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Thursday, July 18, 2002
By Paul Ford
Love Advice for Extraterrestrials, from the redoubtable but unquestionably masculine (in an extraterrestrial sort of way) Xortar Cheemchim, as published in Ranflax Planet 9's most prominent women's magazine (in Ranflaxian, the title of the magazine would be “grandmother(1.5)'s tri-shrimp puddin'” or “creem uk lanba lanba hroot,” but it's a tonal language, so don't even try or you'll end up accusing someone of having a labia filled with cottonwood trees).
Hey Ladies (1-2.5)! We've long felt that our women's publication needed a masculine voice - to give us the news from the “other side.” So we called on our 10.25-fingered correspondent and Man (genders 3-5)'s Man Xortar Cheemchim. Upright General 9th Expeditionary Brigade and Protector of the Garflax Cheemchim is currently circling Earth/Sol cluster in preparation for the Ripening, but found time from his busy schedule to send us his list of things Women (genders 1-2.5, but JebJebs might be interested as well) need to know about Men (genders 3-5). The handsome and oft-brooded Xortar says, “Just turn on your skretches and try out these tips on your fivemate bonding group - and see if you aren't brooded triplefast.”
First, let's get rid of one pervasive myth. Men do not mind if you have your own Chrrrinsksly or Guisewinch JebJebs. They just don't want to talk about it more than they have to. Save it for the ladies and .5-constricted JebJebs.
When men herd Chabba through the forests of Amcheen for catmating, they don't do it to get away from you and the brood. They do it to satisfy 13,000,000,000 years of evolutionary imperative. Don't bug us about it, and we'll let you eat your first broodmale without a word of complaint.
If a man in estrus gender-switches and tumesces with a soulflower, try not to bring it up in a front of your friends. It's bad enough as it is.
Genders 3 and 4 have a gland in their crescent eyes that secretes glamolin, which forces their tumescent gleebs to swell to pumpkin size. If you want your man to be loyal, just bring a large snatting needle and quickly pierce all tumescences before they spray and release cumsnakes. Then throttle his chort until he detumesces.
Yes, we know the JebJeb can sting you to death if it's brought into the exterior. Yes, we know it lives in your cloaca. But still, we are turned on by the image of you catmating with a 2.5-3 constricted JebJeb. It's just how we are.
My nose rudders are not slimy, they're buttery.
We already know that a gramplits bonding-brace is a woman (1-2.5)'s best friend. So stop with the suggestions. If we can afford one, we'll give you a gramplits bonding-brace, but only after you impregnate us with broodmales.
You want me to cuddle? Then don't eat my anterior tentacles for nourishment.
They say “the way to a man's hearts is through his ventricular mouth pouch via a deflexed stick frog.” And it never fails.
We don't expect you to enjoy franch-bastering. Don't expect us to enjoy hreshing the fruggs.
We'll give you suffrage in high council if you release us from our carrier cells! Until then, never!