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Foolishnesses

Goofy text-toys that don't fit elsewhere

1
My Busy Day
I have so much to do (includes pictures).
Friday, February 11, 2000
2
The Subway Diary Analyzes Current Events
Figuring out using our patented psychoanagrammatical method
Saturday, January 24, 1998
3
26 Jan 98
Bad Alternative Song Lyrics
Monday, January 26, 1998
4
28 Jan 98
The Further Adventures of Captain of Industry
Wednesday, January 28, 1998
5
30 Jan 98
The Devil is Contentious
Friday, January 30, 1998
6
02 Feb 98
Celebrate the real meaning of Groundhog Day.
Monday, February 2, 1998
7
27 Feb 98
A Picture
Friday, February 27, 1998
8
04 Mar 98
A doodle on a grim day
Wednesday, March 4, 1998
9
16 Mar 98
Possible Books
Monday, March 16, 1998
10
How the NEA bit the dust
Written in the froth of deep Helms-hating.
Monday, December 15, 1997
11
(Discussions with an) Insurance Agent
What if my sister is massacred by hobgoblins?
Friday, December 19, 1997
12
Baker's Dozen
Your mom's so fat she wears a cross-your-knees bra.
Tuesday, December 23, 1997
13
NoMoPoMo!
Absolutely None
Saturday, January 3, 1998
14
The Poetry Converter
Finally, something that understands poetry
Sunday, January 4, 1998
15
The Islamic Republic of Dogs
“We are going to war with the Irish! We will cast out the Leprachauns!”
Friday, January 16, 1998
16
Cross-cultural Romance
Ooblat love can be so sad
Saturday, January 17, 1998
17
23 Apr 98
Smutty Essay
Thursday, April 23, 1998
18
24 Apr 98
Pickup Lines That Fail
Friday, April 24, 1998
19
17 Jun 98
Army
Wednesday, June 17, 1998
20
21 Jun 98
January 1, 2000: The Millennium Bug
Sunday, June 21, 1998
21
Real Things, Said by Real People
You tame your own donkey, okay?
Monday, January 19, 1998
22
22 Jun 98
Microsoft Trampoline 2.0
Monday, June 22, 1998
23
09 Jul 98
Name Your Poison
Thursday, July 9, 1998
24
20 Jul 98
Poetry in Perspective I
Monday, July 20, 1998
25
Rats Eat Vomit
Filthy, filthy, filthy things in NYC
Thursday, May 27, 1999
26
Mortar & Expounded Cliche
Beating my head against a wall.
Tuesday, June 8, 1999
27
Who's Reading? An Annotated Selection from Yesterday's Access.Log
Recipient of the highly coveted Journal Something Award!
Tuesday, April 27, 1999
28
MISTAKE
Archy comes back for a moment to talk to Don, but doesn't realize that Don is dead.
Saturday, May 1, 1999
29
Hmm
An experimental play.
Saturday, May 1, 1999
30
Satya's Dog
A poem about a stinky dog.
Sunday, March 7, 1999
31
Love Ditty
Punk rock love. It sucks.
Sunday, April 25, 1999
32
Ftrain Winter Haiku
Some haiku, you.
Saturday, May 15, 1999
33
The Thing I Do
Loving myself, loving you.
Saturday, May 15, 1999
34
Hitler's Brain
The truth, finally.
Saturday, May 15, 1999
35
Tom Baylor, Space Therapist
He helps extraterrestrials get their shit together.
Wednesday, June 9, 1999
36
His First Screen Appearance
He tinks, he winks
Monday, February 22, 1999
37
Inner-city Geek Trash Talk
Dorks is angry
Monday, March 15, 1999
38
Wu-Tang Bakery
What they cook at the Wu-Tang bakery.
Monday, March 15, 1999
39
Let's Make Fun of Dirty Thnirts!
People thought this was the dumbest thing I'd ever written, but I love it.
Monday, May 10, 1999
40
Audio
This is me, testing the recording capability on a Linux system, doing an old man's voice.
Thursday, January 27, 2000
41
Ftrain Special Report: London
Here I am in London....
Tuesday, February 8, 2000
42
Pundits on Fire in Hell
Stop telling me how to think!
Friday, February 18, 2000
43
5 Marketing Catastrophes
All absolutely 100% guaranteed true.
Sunday, January 16, 2000
44
Canon of Classifieds
Author ISO meaning; will travel.
Wednesday, June 13, 2001
45
Images from in and around Manhattan, NYC
La van, a man, a plan, a bird, Dr. Ibañal Panama, Naval!
Wednesday, June 27, 2001
46
Forthcoming Science Trade Books
What's coming from the physics and paleontology set?
Wednesday, January 12, 2000
47
Alumni Register
How'm I doin?
Friday, January 14, 2000
48
Urban, Boolean
New York City as a Boolean Algebra problem; also the first piece ever written for Ftrain, at the tender age of 22.
Tuesday, October 21, 1997
49
Bucket of Doggerel
Sometimes, but not often, I rhyme.
Tuesday, February 6, 2001
8 sections.
50
SlideShow
Images of Past Projects Gone Wrong
Sunday, November 12, 2000
12 sections.
51
Career Development: an Artist
Career Development is important to a young fellow's growth.
Friday, November 7, 1997
52
Career Development Revisited
Coming back once more
Monday, November 24, 1997
53
The Subway Diary: 02-Apr-98
Combinations
Thursday, April 2, 1998
54
Touch
It's hard to reach out.
Friday, May 5, 2000
55
Iron-clad Legal Copyright
You don't own me, although I am another on of your little toys.
Friday, May 5, 2000
56
The Subway Diary: 26-Dec-97
Craig Roberts Watches Television
Friday, December 26, 1997
57
The Subway Diary: 14-Dec-97
Diary of a young actor
Sunday, December 14, 1997
58
The Subway Diary: 07-Jan-98
Narrative surrealism at its worst.
Wednesday, January 7, 1998
59
The Subway Diary: 20-Jan-98
First Person Photo/Third Person Lithograph
Tuesday, January 20, 1998
60
Phone Call
A silver fox, an achromatic bear.
Tuesday, July 24, 2001
61
4 Poems from the First Lines of the Poems Archived at the Poetry Daily Web Site
Poetry all sliced up, and then put back together.
Tuesday, February 22, 2000
62
My Turing Machine
I made my own Turing Machine. Or perhaps I am a Turing Machine and I'm just looking in the mirror.
Tuesday, March 7, 2000
63
Giant Robot Construction Kit
Technological interlude.
Monday, March 27, 2000
64
If Steven Spielberg Directed Porn
Foolery
Monday, April 24, 2000
65
Cards
Because you should always share how you feel.
Monday, April 24, 2000
66
The Subway Diary Guide to Self-Loathing
A guide for getting through those bad days.
Sunday, February 20, 2000
67
Baffling Cuteness
Exploring, and respectfully interpreting, the artifacts of another culture
Monday, November 5, 2001
68
Beyond Black Dogs and Mice
A survey of creatures which foreshadow depression, and their literary origins.
Thursday, November 15, 2001
69
Why are robots so fascinating?
A collection of random notes on works in progress.
Thursday, January 3, 2002
70
How to put a whole harmonica in your mouth
Not recommended for larger, chromatic harmonicas.
Saturday, February 23, 2002
71
Answering Machine Message
From my friend Melanie Darning.
Friday, March 1, 2002
72
The Top 10.25 Things Women (genders 1-2.5) Don't Know About Men (genders 3-5)
Love Advice for Extraterrestrials, from the redoubtable but unquestionably masculine (in an extraterrestrial sort of way) Xortar Cheemchim, as published in Ranflax Planet 9's most prominent women's magazine (in Ranflaxian, the title of the magazine would be “grandmother(1.5)'s tri-shrimp puddin'” or “creem uk lanba lanba hroot,” but it's a tonal language, so don't even try or you'll end up accusing someone of having a labia filled with cottonwood trees).
Thursday, July 18, 2002
73
Why I Loved the Library
Heh.
Friday, July 19, 2002
74
The Scott and Paul Radio Show
For some reason, no matter how many times we show the script, no one will put us on the air.
Wednesday, September 4, 2002
75
Wal-Mart is Everything
Selected responses from an online petition to Wal-Mart stores, urging them to continue selling handgun ammunition.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
76
Wikipedia Explains R&B
Monday, January 29, 2007
77
Keeping Your Nose Clean
It is your right to sneeze!
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
78
Nanobot Comix
A comic strip for the very, very small.
Monday, February 3, 2003
79
What Were They Thinking?
Monday, May 26, 2003
80
My Ethnic Identity
A short story.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
81
Frequently Asked Questions
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
82
Shameful Pedantic Pettiness
Sometimes I can't help myself.
Friday, July 4, 2003
83
Beautiful Ladies
Select images from our recent modeling shoot in Corfu.
Friday, April 23, 2004
84
Lost Habits
The seed of our futures.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
85
The Banality of Google
Thoughts on the nature of search and the importance of corporate philosophy.
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
86
Why Evangelical Christians Should Not Vote for Bush
Monday, September 27, 2004
87
The Election
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
88
Voting Story
Monday, November 1, 2004
89
Meats
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
90
My Three Favorite Computer Games of 2004
It was a great year for sitting and playing at INTERACTIVE GAMING MONTHLY ONLINE!
Thursday, January 20, 2005
91
Nicknames We Gave Our Intelligence Sources

When “Curveball” just won't do.
Monday, November 7, 2005
92
My New Year's Resolutions
Monday, January 1, 2007
93
To what Google Base uses may we return, Horatio!

In which I contribute to Business 2.0.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
94
Dear LazyWeb

LazyWeb: The idea that if you wait long enough, someone will implement that wacky idea you had . . . (or already has!) —IAWiki
Thursday, January 11, 2007
95
Trope
Friday, January 12, 2007
96
Elsewhere: Lawyering
Friday, January 26, 2007
97
Döh
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
98
I Am Making a Difference
Friday, August 17, 2007
99
Another Veil-lifter Pitched
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
100
Tag Cloud
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
101
This Is Just To Say
Monday, March 3, 2008
102
Note

I wonder what the poor folks are doing tonight.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
103
But melts just like a little girl
Wednesday, August 26, 2009


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About the author: I've been running this website from 1997. For a living I write stories and essays, program computers, edit things, and help people launch online publications. (LinkedIn). I wrote a novel. I was an editor at Harper's Magazine for five years; then I was a Contributing Editor; now I am a free agent. I was also on NPR's All Things Considered for a while. I still write for The Morning News, and some other places.

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