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09 Jul 98

By Paul Ford

Name Your Poison

Name Your Poison

Wilfred Smicket: Hi, I'm Wilfred Smicket, and welcome to "Name Your Poison." Let's start playing. George Vostos, you're a neurophysiologist from Billings, Idaho?

George Vostos: That is correct!

Wilfred Smicket: And Doris Patterjohn, you're a specialist in mushrooms, from Mishatoon, Wisconsin?

Doris Patterjohn: That's fungi, Will. Yes.

Wilfred Smicket: Let's start with Doris. Doris, I'm going to ask you to drink from the glass on the table...there. Now, can you tell us what you just swallowed? And ladies and gentlemen, I'm holding the antidote right here. (Holds up packet.)

Doris Patterjohn: I think I taste something vaguely rubbery--no--no--I taste palm leaves--yes, yes, this is...oh, God, the compound of tapioca root, I can't remember the name, but that's it. Compound of tapioca root.

Wilfred Smicket: Let's go to the board...how about "compound of tapioca root?"

Voice Over: Well, Will, that would be a valid answer, but I'm afraid that's not this poison.

Audience: Oh!

Wilfred Smicket: Yes, Doris, we gave you plain old cyanide doped in vanilla. (Throws antitode over shoulder.) But don't worry--you'll receive our consolation prize....

(Doris begins to gag, grabs at her eyes, runs toward the antidote, and falls to the ground.)

Cut to: rotating coffin, with merchandise display model.

Voice Over: Doris will be travelling into the great beyond in style, in a Ballmer Copper Coffin. Notice as Anna shows the sleek, smooth curves and sturdy, decomposition-proof handlework. A superior coffin for a superior burial, from Ballmer.

Wilfred Smicket: Well, bad luck for Doris. How about you, George? Ready to play?

George Vostos: (Crying.) Of course I'm ready, Will.

Cut to: Commercial for Pert.

(Re-imagined from an old radio skit performed with Steve Pav on WALF, 89.7 FM.)